Spring came roaring in, ripe with optimism, but little did I know that ere the month was out I would be a gibbering wreck, reduced to insane ramblings by the psychological impact of events just around the corner. Events that the DM Producers could easily have avoided, but in the true spirit of their laissez-faire attitude to such trivial matters as human dignity, they couldn't be arsed.
Poking a vulnerable human with a metaphorical big stick for the sake of entertainment – regardless of the possible consequences – is alright, isn't it? Sure it is, especially in the world of Reality Television.
But April started pleasantly enough and I almost started to warm to my monkey masters when a familiar face arrived at my door with a song and a gift (although sadly not a gift for song):
I don't know if they had a whip-round at Debt Monkey HQ for loose pennies, or just found this hunk of junk down the back of a sofa, but at that point a mobile phone was a bashed-up blessing. I had been deprived of independent means of communication until now, and this meant I could put in some quality talk time with my new-found biological mother.
And so I was happy. Not being allowed to watch the Debt Monkey episodes as they went out, I had no idea that they were already treating my blossoming relationship with my long lost Mum with an unhealthy dose of disrespect, and so I remained blissfully unaware of their mischief.
But while I was in high spirits, Rob the cameraman seemed to be having his man period and spent the week in a grump (some kind of trouble with 'er indoors). But I managed to cheer him up (my challenge for the week) with a trip to the pub to watch the football followed by a bit of drunken Wiiing. (Warning: this episode contains the gayest final line ever!)
And then the whole reality show genre was plunged into introspection by the untimely death of its very own Princess Di – Jade Goody. I had nothing against her personally, but what she represented (and how she was being eulogised) chimed horribly with what I myself was going through as the guinea pig of this particular reality zoo, and something compelled me to record this heartfelt attack on the whole sorry Gomorrah, with Rob's ample help.
This was probably my finest hour, and it is still the most watched episode of the whole series, though it is also true that it set in motion a chain of events that would ultimately lead to my undoing. What I thought at the time was a genuine attempt by the producers to grant me a platform to make a serious point, I now realise was simply a case of them letting out just enough rope for me to give myself a serious strangling.
But at the time I was unrepentant, and drunk with what I perceived to be a return to power, I initially refused to apologise for the Goody-inspired outburst. I still look upon the following protest with some pride:
Ah, the noble convictions of a grown man charmingly twinned with the guerilla tactics of a small child...
But if Jade was a Goody, the powers that be had decided that Ben was a Baddie, and needed to be punished. And so it was that one morning I woke up stark bollock naked to find that I'd been drugged and that, like me, my flat had been totally stripped.
This was not a burglary however but my punishment and so I spent the week dressed as a monk to serve my penance. After a few days of peaceful non-cooperation I felt I'd made my point and would honestly have gone through with their stupid Debt Monk Gunk Dunk challenge had I not been called away on an emergency.
It's interesting to note that even though I was speeding off to be with my distraught mother in an hour of her need, they still felt it acceptable to end the episode with a tasteless cliffhanger. Not that I should have been surprised by editorial insensitivity. Certainly not after this emotional bomb went off soon afterwards:
I honestly have no firm recollections about where it was, exactly, that I went. Looking back, I even feel a twinge of sympathy for Rob, forced to record this mournful little episode all on his own. I never blamed Rob, certainly not after what he did for me at the series end, but truthfully, I never blamed him even at this, my darkest hour. He was as much a victim of this whole sordid reality television business as I was. As Jade Goody was. As anyone who even watches this shit is.
