According to the old saying, March is supposed to enter like a lion and leave like a lamb. For me, it entered like a grubby old pimp and left like a... well, it didn't really leave at all, it hung around for months, like the smell of milk spilled on an old carpet and not cleaned up properly. Or something like that.
(Oh tits. This entry is starting as badly as the month did. I think I'll stop torturing metaphors in my secret, subterranean torture chamber, and just get on with it...)
The month started with a jolt when I almost got arrested in my first public challenge for behaviour unbecoming a royal park:
After the dust had settled on that debt-themed debacle, Debt Monkey then tried to force a red nose on my reluctant face and eventually succeeded in twisting my arm (well, conscience) to make an appeal on behalf of Comic Relief:
I found out months later that Lenny Henry, upon being shown the video by a journalist, told them he was going to "track me down" and "punch my stupid face in". (Lenny, name a time and place and I'll be there. But come on your own. Don't bring Dawn.)
Highly sceptical of the likely success of a charity appeal fronted by a sour-faced internet nobody, even I was surprised at the final total raised. But it was nothing compared to the surprise of finding out about the latest challenge, one which was to send shockwaves through my life and affect the direction of the whole series...
Inspired by the onset of Mother's Day, Debt Monkey decided to dig around in my past and uncover my biological mother!
Looking back, it was definitely a mistake to mention to the production company that I was adopted. It was so obviously a big red “invasion of privacy” rag to the reality show bull (well, bullshit) of Debt Monkey, but at the time it seemed like an innocent enough bit of information to pass on.
The introduction of my real mum added a deeply complex set of emotions to an already inflammatory mix. After the initial shock and anger has subsided, I managed to still my whirring senses and was incredibly moved and excited to actually meet her:
It's now very hard to write about such moments in the series, knowing as I do how horribly it was to all end. It's especially tough to look back on the excitement and optimism with which I greeted the next moronic 'challenge'. Spring may have been in the air, but it was a metal spring, and day by day it was being gradually squeezed, priming a deadly trap to be trigged much later on.
(I'm sorry, it's really too upsetting to spend much time on this material. I guess I'll have to cover it all in the book, but for now you'll just have to watch the clips and make your own mind up.)
The challenge itself was innocent enough. Never ones to let a bandwagon pass by without trying to leap on the back of it, Debt Monkey used the arrival of British Summer Time as an excuse to have me running around central London carrying a massive clock:
It was a surprisingly upbeat end to my second full month as a reality show monkey, but the seeds had already been sown for less happy times ahead.
Hold on to your seats people. Because come April, things are going to get a lot darker...
